Surely it has happened to you before. You know a manager who goes out of their way for their team, who always seeks a good atmosphere, who avoids conflict at all costs, and yet, their department is a mess, goals are not met, and the team ends up demotivated. “It’s just that they are too nice,” people usually say.
At the other extreme, we have the classic “iron fist” profile. Someone who achieves short-term results by instilling fear, with inflexible demands and cold treatment. Of them, it is said: “They have character; they are a strong leader.”
Well, in my opinion, neither of them is leading. The first confuses empathy with permissiveness. The second confuses authority with rudeness.
To be a great leader in today’s environment, it is not enough to choose one path. The true secret of people management lies in mastering two variables simultaneously: being profoundly kind and, at the same time, radically firm.
THE ORIGIN OF THE FORMULA: FROM EDUCATION TO MANAGEMENT
This concept has its roots in human behavior psychology of the early 20th century. Psychiatrists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs revolutionized social psychology by demonstrating that human beings thrive when we feel connected, respected, and, at the same time, guided by a clear structure.
Years later, this approach gave life to POSITIVE DISCIPLINE under a motto that we should tattoo on our minds in team management: Kind and Firm at the same time.
It is not a pendulum where on Mondays you are kind and on Fridays you are firm because KPIs have not been met. It is a hybrid attitude that is deployed in every conversation, in every piece of feedback, and in every decision-making process.
THE TRAP OF THE TWO EXTREMES
LET’S BREAK DOWN THE TWO COMPONENTS BECAUSE THE LINE THAT SEPARATES THEM FROM THEIR “TOXIC” VERSIONS IS VERY THIN:
- Kindness is not permissiveness. Being a kind leader means showing genuine respect for the person in front of you. It is practicing active listening, validating their emotions, understanding their circumstances, and taking care of their dignity, even in moments of maximum tension. The common mistake: believing that being kind implies always saying yes, tolerating mediocrity, or not pointing out mistakes so as not to “make them feel bad.” That is not kindness; it is negligence and weakness. The permissive leader destroys team traction because they dilute accountability.
- Firmness is not rudeness. Being a firm leader means having absolute respect for the purpose, for the organization’s goals, for quality standards, and for acquired commitments. It is knowing how to set clear boundaries, say “no” when necessary, and demand performance. The common mistake: confusing firmness with raising your voice, being cut, steamrolling, or using hierarchical power to impose ideas. That is not firmness; it is a lack of leadership resources and rudeness. The authoritarian leader erodes trust and stifles talent.
THE MAGIC HAPPENS IN SIMULTANEITY
The great challenge of management is to understand that kindness and firmness do not subtract from each other. On the contrary, they enhance each other. Kindness without firmness generates chaos. Firmness without kindness generates rebellion or submission.
THE CHALLENGE FOR THE CURRENT LEADER
Leading from this balance requires enormous maturity and, above all, emotional management. It is much easier to let yourself be carried away by the impulse to shout (misunderstood firmness) or by the comfort of looking the other way (permissiveness).
Developing both competencies at once takes you out of your comfort zone, but it is the only way to build high-performance teams that also work in an environment of psychological safety.
The next time you must face a difficult conversation with someone on your team, ask yourself these two questions before opening the door: How am I going to show my respect for the person? and how am I going to maintain respect for the goal?
That is where true leadership is forged.